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Marlins Home Opener 2013

The day has finally come, Opening Day for the Marlins at Marlins Park. I know you’re all super excited. For weeks now your joy has been so overwhelming that the Miami Marlins had to enlist the help of GroupOn, again, to get those ticket sales roaring. The feedback has been so positive that Marlins thief, I mean owner, Jeffrey Loria has been patting himself on his back for bringing the fans back with his offseason message of “Get over it” or basically saying he’ll get his money either way so kiss his art dealing ass.

I’m pretty certain that the Marlins home opener will be a down right embarrassment for the organization and for Major League Baseball. Embarrassment for fan attendance and an embarrassment for the team and the players assembled. Hey at least the Marlins won one game so far. I had June 15th as when they would win their first game in my office pool.

Here are my 10 thoughts on what will happen on Opening Day and my 10 thoughts on how to get more fans into the stadium, not that the Marlins need help in that department.

Opening Day Thoughts:

  1. The Marlins will lose
  2. Jeffrey Loria will think the stadium is empty because everyone in Miami runs late to sporting events
  3. The Marlins will lose
  4. The Marlins water fountain will only go off when the Braves hit a homerun. Might as well get it’s 2.5 million’s worth since the Marlins won’t be using it as much
  5. The Marlins will lose
  6. ESPN will introduce the Marlins/Brave segment as that game where the only people in attendance were the unfortunate souls who had to be there for mandatory purposes
  7. The Marlins will lose
  8. Gloria Estefan will throw out the first pitch
  9. The Marlins will lose
  10. The Marlins will lose

My thoughts on how to get more attendance

  1. Announce it Jeffrey Loria Pinata night. His pockets are full of money so why not beat it out of him?
  2. Free international phone cards. If people spend hours in line at Calle Ocho for them, it may work here
  3. The Germans broke down the Berlin Wall in unity so lets unify and break down that ugly water fountain thingamabob
  4. Have Gloria Estefan be the public announcer and every time the Braves score she has to sing the Conga
  5. Have Billy the Marlin tie up Jeffrey Loria to the back off an ATV and drag him all over the field while allowing the fans to throw objects at Loria and if you’re lucky to sit in the front row you’ll get a free Marlins aluminum commemorative baseball bat to use.
  6. Announce Jeffrey Loria will parachute into the stadium except he will have to do it Indiana Jones style in a raft. Playing the role of Willie will be Gloria Estefan and the playing the role of Short Round will be Gangam Style singer, Psy.
  7. Give Dan Marino an honorary SuperBowl ring for just playing in one SuperBowl. We all know all Dolphin fans want Dan to have a ring.
  8. Announce it is a Fidel Castro death preparation party. Bring all your pots and pans.
  9. Remove the all the fish from the giant fish tank and replace them with piranhas and lock Jeffrey Loria inside the tank
  10. Have Geena Davis’ team from a League of their Own play the Marlins in an exhibition game.

And if you didn’t get the Major League Baseball email intended for Marlins fans on their upcoming season here is video that better portrays the message sent by the league and from all the fans from the other teams not the Marlins: